Friday, February 29

A New Tattoo? - It was only a matter of time

Adam, Ed, & Nick have all gotten new ink in the past few months and I have grown increasingly jealous of the lovely works of art they have added to their bodies. It is true that once you get one tattoo, you want to get more and seeing as I got my first tattoo almost 10 years ago, I am well overdue.

I have been considering the next tattoo I should get probably since the day after I got my first one. I have been all over the board but nothing really hit me as being as significant as I want it to be. Here are my criteria:

Beautiful, colorful, feminine, symbolic and somewhere on my back or hip, basically somewhere on the torso.

I considered a peacock for awhile as I think they are absolutely beautiful and as far as the symbolism peacocks are a symbol of openness and acceptance. In Christianity the peacock is a symbol of immortality and in Buddhism they represent wisdom. I can stand behind the symbolism but it wasnt something that really resonated with me and I also had a hard time figuring out where to put it that wouldnt look odd. I realized if I have to try this hard that it just isnt meant to be.

So I moved on to floral tattoos. I looked up a bunch of flowers and their meanings and was having trouble finding a flower I liked that also had a meaning I liked (a lot of them had to do with purity and I thought uhh yeah not so much). So I then started thinking of cherry blossoms, which can be a somewhat popular tattoo but it is beautiful and colorful which fits part of my criteria. I did more research and found the symbolism behind them and I absolutely loved it:

Chinese Cherry Blossom
For the Chinese the cherry blossom is a very significant symbol of power. Typically it represent a feminine beauty and sexuality and often holds an idea of power or feminine dominance. Within the language of herbs and herbal lore of the Chinese the cherry blossom is often the symbol of love.

Japanese Cherry Blossom

For the Japanese the cherry blossom holds very different meaning. The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

Whats really cool is I have had a fortune tapped in my wallet for years that says "Accept something you cannot change and you will feel better" which is one of my favorite quotes that I frequently go to when I need to feel better about things and get a new perspective. And that quote goes along very well with the japanese symbolism of the cherry blossom.

So I am narrowing it down, however I am still thinking about placement and the important details. I want them to be realistic and not at all cartoonish. I need to think about size though and thickness of the branches and all of that artsy stuff I am not great at but I guess thats what the job of the tatto artist is.

I attached some pics of tattoos and cherry blossoms for reference. I like the placement of the one on the girls side better than the one that goes all the way up the back but I dont like the background as much.

Ok so thoughts?

Thursday, February 28

Wedding Woes

This year I have 5 weddings to go to. Yes love is in the air and it is sucking all of the money out of my wallet. Now I am excited and feel honored to be a part of these celebrations, but one wedding in particular is starting to become a thorn in my side and a drain to my bank account and I am not sure how to address or deal with this. Here is the scenario:

I am a bridesmaid in this wedding and have been good friends with this person for years. She really is a good friend and I love her dearly. She however has a much different approach to money than I do which hasnt been a problem until now. Being a bridesmaid I obviously had to buy a dress. This was relatively inexpensive at 150 dollars and with shoes the total comes out to a little over 215 dollars (incidently none of this I will ever even think about wearing again, ever). Then we are getting our hair and make up done, which is around 100 dollars. On top of that the hotel we are staying in is going to cost a total of 175 for 2 nights for my share of the room (not bad actually because it is a very nice hotel). I am not calculating the food while we are there or the gas to get there but you can assume that will total to over a hundred dollars all together.

I am throwing and hosting a weekend bachelorette party for her at my cabin and as of right now I am not sure how much this will cost. I wont provide all of the meals but I will provide the booze and decorations and games and prizes and melissa wont pay anything the whole weekend. Thats probably another 200 bucks easily including whatever gift I get her. They are also having an engagement party and I found out that she is expecting to receive gifts. Oh and then there is the wedding where she is also expecting gifts. Adding this all up, I am estimating that it could cost me $1,000 which is a lot of money to me.

This brings me to the spending money differently part. She has always been a spender and is ok with going into debt to have the lifestyle she wants because she is now a pharmacist and can start paying everything off.

There is really nothing I can do about most of those expenses but suck it up, but it is the multiple gift thing that is bothering me. That and I was also told that I couldnt bring a date unless it was someone that I was somewhat serious with because she doesnt want to pay for an extra plate for someone that is just there for fun. I can understand this to a point (I dont have anyone I would want to bring anyway but thats not the point!), but not when she is going all out on this wedding and isnt on much of a budget (they hired a filmaker to make a video spoof thing that they are going to play at the wedding).

All in all this frustrates me because I cant talk to her about it because I am afraid she will get defensive and upset with me. I brought up an issue with the dress (very nicely too I might add) previously and she was not happy about it (a dress by the way that Kendall found an exact replica of at Goodwill for 15 dollars).

I cant think of a way to ask if I am expected to bring a gift to all of these events or if it is even my place to. She is a very good friend and I dont want to upset her or annoy her with my complaining but for the love, thats a lot of money and I am not rolling in the dough over here.

Rock me hard place *sigh*

Bored, Sleep Deprived

Today is a really slow day at work. Both project managers are gone to meetings and I have already finished the work they gave me before I left so I have been looking at websites and trying to keep myself entertained. So far, entertained I am not.

I am also really really tired because I have gone to sleep at 1 or later every day this week and it is starting to catch up to me. Usually with a little caffeine I can push my way through it but I am really dragging today. I have also been a little bit light headed, which started last night and that is probably due to a lack of sleep too. I am looking forward to an early bedtime tonight.

My brain isn't working well enough to post something interesting, this is the best its going to get.

Wednesday, February 27

Adventures in Job Shadowing

My dad is a member of Rotary and as such commits a certain amount of time with community service projects that they have going on. Today, we are havin a student from Sunnyside High School coming to job shadow for the day. I get to go pick them up and most likely have an awkward drive back (I like to let other people do the talking but I think this person will probably be a little quiet) and then they will sit with me for about an hour as I go through and tell and show them what I do.

I hope that I have enough work at one time to take up a solid hour without boring them to death. It cant be fun to watch someone entering data, updating logs and sending correspondance for any length of time, and exactly how realistic should I be? Do I show them the blogs and websites I frequent while I work? These are students from disadvantaged backgrounds whose parents likely work as manual laborers so it is cool that they get to see what an office enviornment is like so should I pretend that my job is awesome and I love every second of it? Ha, not likely I will be able to paint that rosy a picture.

Also, being somewhat down again about my job situation I am probably not the most encouraging person to be talking about jobs at the moment. I am afraid I might say something like, "Dream big kid, but realize that nothing will probably work out the way you think it will and in 10 years you will still be trying to figure out your life and 10 years after that as well so, but you should totally go for your dream if you have one" and thus I scar them for life. I probably wouldnt say kid though, it just felt appropriate in that context.

I am sure it will all be fine and an hour of my day isn't that long. I will update and how it goes later this morning.

Tuesday, February 26

Spring is So Close, I Can Smell it

I actually left my apartment without a jacket or coat this morning. I was a little apprehensive that I would be freezing since I am also wearing a skirt but there was no shock of cold air as I walked out the door. Lovely.

Sitting at my desk, the front door is open and the smell of freshly cut grass is drifting in and creating oodles of happiness. It makes me wonder if they make a candle with the fresh cut grass scent. I would definitely rank that very high up on my list of favorite smells and if they could capture the smell well, I would buy it and me thinks other people would as well.

I have also noticed that it is getting lighter earlier in the morning, it is no longer pitch black when I wake up but the sky is a mauvy/gray, and the sun is staying out later too. Longer days make me happier and also more productive. Cold weather and dark days depress me, but I always am an overall happier person in the warmer months. I am also even more excited about my online shopping spree that should arrive this week since I purchased all warm weather clothes, woo hoo!

I could write an enormous list of why I love warm weather but I will leave it to those items I mentioned above. The giddyness should come through clearly enough:)

Update: In fact they do make candles with a fresh cut grass scent. Everything Smells.Com is the name of the website and they have some other very odd scents like Avacado (do avacados even smell??), Olive oil (ditto previous comment), Cannibus (um, sort of odd usually you are trying to mask that smell) and a lot of other normal scents.

"I have dual citizenship with the United States and Florida"

This is a link (thank you Adam) to my favorite SNL skit with Christopher Walken and Tim Meadows as the Census Taker.

"There's me, my wife, my plants and some candy bars..."
"A real passport would not have a picture of a sexy nurse on it"

There are so many great lines in this skit and Christopher Walken is by far my favorite host. Take a moment and have a laugh.

Monday, February 25

New Book, Weee!

Just ordered a new (used) book from Amazon that I am excited about. Its called "Eat this, not that!" and although I typically try not to buy books that have an exclamation mark in the title, it was right up my ally. It talks about what foods to substitute in restaraunts and at grocery stores and when my appetite comes back (lunch was bad but my snack later went well) it will be a useful interesting read. I try to substitute food rather than eat only a little anyway so I will be excited to get it.

This post is rushed and somewhat incomplete because I am trying to get out of the office now....

My Stomach Is Not So Good

Since last Wednesday my stomach has been upset and I havent had much of an appetite. I have a constant queasiness that gets worse and subsides and even though my stomach will be growling because it is hungry, I can only eat enough to make the growling go away before I cant stomach anymore food. Even my favorite foods havent been appealing. When I have had the stomach flu before it usually is one or two days of violent sickness and then I am fine, but this lingering queasiness is different and it doesnt seem to want to go away. I dont like not being able to enjoy food, it is such a simple pleasure you dont realize you have until you cant eat.

Anyone know of anything that is supposed to cure an upset stomach besides pepto?

And no, I am not pregnant. I am entirely sure of that so no one needs to throw that one out there (I know what you are thinking).

Sunday, February 24

From The Mind Of Kasey

Being a woman that lives alone, I sometimes contemplate my safety and what I would do if someone were to break into my apartment and/or attack me. It probably doesn't help that I am a Law & Order fanatic and will typically watch at least one episode of it a day, usually Special Victims Unit.

I have only felt unsafe in my apartment once when at 3 am my bag of golf clubs fell over in my closet in the other bedroom and scared the crap out of me. I had no idea what was going on, I just knew a very loud noise came from somewhere in my apartment. I froze for a minute or so and when I didnt hear anything else I got up to investigate thinking to myself "this is always how women get attacked in the movies, when they go to investigate". I couldnt just lay in bed and wait to find out if someone was in the apartment though so I got up to get it over with.

I turned on lights and went to every room and found nothing out of place or anything broken and everything was secure so I went back to bed. It drove me crazy for a few days until I found the bag had fallen over when I got something out of the closet. While wandering around the apartment though I thought about where I would hide or go if someone had been in there and didnt have a good answer. Today I may have just found my answer.

While doing laundry I glanced down at the dryer and thought I just may be able to fit in there and I doubt anyone would look for someone in a dryer. So I had to see if I actually would fit so I wringled around and with just a little twisting and contorting I fit, quite snuggly and rather uncomfortably. I wasnt brave/stupid enough to close the door all the way because I was afraid it would get stuck or something and I would get a Darwin Award for dying in a dryer and no one would have any idea what I was doing in the dryer in the first place and I wouldnt want to hear what people may come up with to explain that.

So hopefully I will never have to test my theory out, but at least I have a plan.

And that my friends is just a snipit of the thoughts that can occupy my mind.

Friday, February 22

Wednesday, February 20

For sara

I've named them Adam & Mike.

A Total Eclipse of the Moon

If you were not aware, there will be a total lunar eclipse tonight. Thats right the moon is going to disappear like magic right before our eyes!(or just hide behind the shadow of the earth for about 50 minutes) 10 - 10:50 pm Eastern Time is the best time to see it, however if it is cloudy obviously we wont be able to. The next lunar exclipse isn't until December of 2010 so hopefully it will all work out and the clouds will part.

Oogy, The Half Faced Dog


I saw this segment on Oprah at the gym last week and it was one of those horrifying stories of animal abuse with a very happy ending. When Oogy was a puppy he was tied to a stake and used as bait for pit bulls in a dogfighting ring. He had been thrown in a cage and left to die, and the police raided the facility and he was rescued. When he was first treated the dog suffered severe damage and basically had the side of his face ripped off, his jaw was crushed, and his skull was damaged. Obviously you can still see the aftermaths of those injuries.

He was adopted while still recovering and has been well taken care of ever since. Whats amazing is that despite his horrific beginning he is an extremely loving dog and not at all violent. It is suprising what animals can recover from. One after effect however is that he can't be put in a cage because it reminds him of when he was bait and it terrifies him so his owner drove him 15 hours in a car to be on Oprah so they wouldnt have to crate him on a plane.

The whole thing gets me angry about pit bull fighting all over again. How could anyone tie a puppy to a stake and watch it get torn apart and not do something? I just can't grasp that anyone can have that kind of ambivalence to such pain and suffering.

(By the way, at work my spell check on my blog doesn't work so if you see glaring spelling errors I am just too lazy to re-read my posts very carefully or I dont know how to spell something)

Tuesday, February 19

Whats New With Me

Honesty, not much. It has been an uneventful day and weekend really. Pleasant, just nothing terribly exciting. So I went through the news to see if there was anything interesting.

You have Fidel retiring, but no one seems like that is going to change much of anything so, historic yes but interesting no. You have Clinton/Obama going head to head again in Wisconisn and Hawaii, but no real news from that yet. There was however Clinton's claim that Obama plagerized a portion of a speech which is just petty and lame considering you can find evidence of her doing the same thing. And Britney once again showed her cooter. Now if I could only remember if it was if you see Britneys Cooter if it is 6 more weeks of winter or if spring will come early...

In good news, I get to leave work a half an hour early to get my hair did.

That is all.

Friday, February 15

Mmmm Ass Cake is Fun To Eat

I came across this picture of Nelly's birthday ass cake and I just found it funny that one would have an ass cake made for them, and also put sparklers in it. Plus a butt load (heh) of ass eating jokes came to mind yada yada. I believe it is Sara's birthday that is coming up, perhaps she too would like an ass cake. Who wants to be the ass model?

The Weekend

My parents are in Texas this weekend and being the only daughter in Fresno, I will be baby sitting the dogs. This is such a pain in the ass because they expect me to spend the night there, not just check on the dogs to make sure they are ok, feed them and go back to my own place like most normal people would do.

There are of course some benefits to staying out there, like getting to use an up-to-date kitchen to cook and the use of the 50 inch HD tv and free food, which I appreciate and plan on taking advantage of, however it is very lonely. I feel isolated and I have to drive at least 10-15 minutes to get to any store or restaraunt, as opposed to walking out my apartment for 3 minutes. It also makes going out at night a lot more inconvenient. I have to drive a half an hour there and back, plus trying to pack for a weekend where I dont know what will be going on is impossible so I have to go back to my place to change before I go out.

But it is what it is. I would like to say that it will be a relaxing weekend where I stay at home and dont go out or stay up late, which may be the responsible thing to do but I know myself and just like I knew there probably wasnt a good chance of me going out last night, I know I will get really bored and be dying to get out of there.

What a boring post. Oh well.

Thursday, February 14

The V-Day Incident

I had one of those wonderful moments of putting my foot in my mouth, thanks in part to technology and my stupidity today. I email my sister usually a few times a day and today my mom got flowers from my dad while he was gone. The reaction that you would think one would have to receiving flowers would be happy suprise. Well thats not how my mom reacted and so I shot an email out to my sister explaining to her what happened (see below)

Dude mom is starting to piss me off. She got flowers today from Dad and even though I told her that he ordered them to be delivered on Wednesday and they emailed him and said they couldnt ship them until today, she is bitching that he should have sent them next week so she could enjoy them. And it wasnt like aww, thats sweet too bad I wont be able to enjoy them for long it was like "why did he send them today when he knows we are leaving?". I was like yeah, I hate it when someone is thoughtful and sends me flowers, that always ruins my day. Hello mom, its the thought and he thought about this last week and did it all himself and wrote you a little poem, appreciate that. She did something similar on her birthday when dad bought all of this stuff to make this cake he found for her and she threw a fit and was like I dont want cake, you shouldnt have done this blah blah. I felt so bad for dad and when he left the room I was like mom I know this isnt what you wanted but tell him thank you for thinking of it.
Ok now she is acting a little more appreciative about them. You better perk up you negative nelly!

At the same time I was sending this off, I was also forwarding a Valentine Greeting to my mom and Susan (lady at work). I told them to open their mail and turns out I somehow mixed things up and sent the email message above to my mom and Susan and not the Valentine greeting. Um, oops.

Well luckily my mom wasn't mad at all but actually found it pretty funny. She replied to it "Like Mother like daughter. Guess I deserved this". My sister my mom and I have similar personalities and we always tell it like it is to one another so it wouldnt be something I would tell her to her face had we not been at work. Big whoopsie though, yikes.

Alright, Lets Just Get This Over With

So I approached this Valentines Day as I do all Valentines Days, basically as a non event. My approach evolved from a long time loathing of the holiday I developed by being perpetually single but over the years I eased up on the loathing and embraced indifference. Good for everyone else to have someone to spend time with and love, everyone should have that. Yes it can be a bit of rub in the face when everyone around you is getting flowers or is talking about their plans for the evening but I hate to think that someone elses happiness is contributing to my unhappiness, so I just smile and try to avoid the question of whether or not I have any plans so as to not have to see the look of pity when I say I have none (you all know the look I am talking about).

I am ok with not having plans but the more people keep bringing it up and the more I see reminders of the holiday everywhere I go, the more I realize it is unavoidable to not think about your love life on February 14th. I might as well just get it over with. So here it goes:

I am single for numerous reasons. Some reasons have to do with the difficulty in meeting (quality) people, some reasons have to do with my own behavior and the tough exterior I put on to protect myself from being vulnerable, some have to do with finding someone I have a connection with and most importantly I can trust, and some have to do with being selective of who I do go out with, etc etc. Whatever the reasons, love has been elusive to me.

So what is a girl to do? Sit around and bitch about it to anyone who will listen? No, no, no, I definitely do not want to be the bitter/angry girl, thats pathetic. Besides I have always perferred a more proactive approach but since there is definitely an element of luck involved with meeting people, I feel there is only so much I can do. But I can keep my chin up, my eyes open and enjoy the time I do have being single. Lets be honest, there is a lot of wonderful freedom that comes with being single and as great as relationships can be, they all have problems. Just today a co-worker was complaining to me about his wife and the problems they are having. I think thats the most important thing I have learned over the years, that naive belief that love is a fairy tale, has been replaced with the knowledge that relationships can be incredibly rewarding but not always incredibly easy.

I keep a lot inside so it can feel good to get some of it off my chest. I am mostly happy but I get sad sometimes and thats ok. Kahil Gibran once said "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." When I am feeling down, that quote makes me feel better. Right now I am doing just fine though:) When you have a sister and a mom who remind you that you are in fact loved and appreciated, it is hard to feel sorry for yourself for long!

So to everyone out there who has someone to spend time with today, enjoy it and love and appreciate that person in your life. And if you are single enjoy your freedom and don't worry too much about the future. Your future wife/husband is out there somewhere probably wondering where you are too.

Wednesday, February 13

I have been memmed by Sara (I knew it was only a matter of time)

sara has sent a meme to Write a story in 6 words.

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

"Everyone has a story. Can you tell yours in six words?"

So, here I go:

(Grrr being concise is hard)

Cognitive dissonance is becoming a problem

I think it is an accurate representation of where my mind is at these days, my current story.

This part is always hard, who to tag. Usually I get memmed close to last and then everyone is taken. I am also too lazy to look on everyones blog to see if they have done one yet. So Heather (even though she rarely blogs maybe she will ne inspired), Becky and Jay (if they havent been tagged).


While I was on the treadmill yesterday I was running between two ladies and one of them had really really strong perfume on, which is horrible anyway but even more so when you are breathing heavy and all you can breathe in is heavy perfume. As I was contemplating whether I would rather run next to someone who has very heavy perfume or cologne on or one that smells, the lady on the other side farted. Turns out both smells are pretty bad but the fart grossed me out more.

You listen to death metal, oh we will never work out...

Being a runner, I have a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. Mostly I zone out and listen to my ipod and day dream, but sometimes I will have actual thoughts of substance as I try to figure out my life or make a decision or just ponder things. I read an article the other day in Esquire about what your musical taste says about you and it got me thinking yesterday during my run.

The article starts by discussing how one of the first questions we ask people in order to get to know them is "what music do you like?". We ask this question because we are trying to glean some insight on the type of person they are:

But here's the problem: This premise is founded on the belief that the person you're talking with consciously knows why he appreciates those specific things or harbors those specific feelings. It's also predicated on the principle that you know why you like certain sounds or certain images, because that self-awareness is how we establish the internal relationship between a) what someone loves and b) who someone is

I started thinking about how I answer that question. Usually I think I probably give some generic answer like, "oh I listen to just about everything but mostly rock music and not a lot of country but it depends on what I am doing". Does that mean I fundamantally reject country music because of what it stands for? I have to admit it country music conjures up images of good ol' folks from the bible belt who believe quite heavily in god and rely on old fashioned values (things I do not relate to). So is it the music I don't like or the message or both? Why do I prefer rock and hop/hop?

Well I know that the majority of time that I am listening to music is when I am driving or working out. On average I spend more time working out than I spend driving so most of my music is high tempo, or really rocks or is fast and hard. This type of music helps me stay motivated and fires me up so I can pretend for the 4 minutes the song is on that I am a bad ass. If people were to look on my playlist they may get a different impression of me than is entirely accurate.

This is an interesting topic in itself but that got me to thinking, what is the best question to ask someone if you are trying to get to know them? If music isn't reliable and politics and religion are not on option because most people are uncomfortable talking about that with someone they dont know, it leads me to "what do you like to do"? I hate this question though, it is so vague and unfocused and I always feel like people dont really answer this honestly unless there is something they are really passionate about. How many guys (or girls) have answered that question by saying "I like to watch porn and masterbate"?

The article was funny and I think he ended it perfectly by stating:
So here is my advice: The next time you have to talk to a stranger against your will, don't ask, "What kind of music do you like?" Instead, ask him, "What kind of music do you think you like?" This question may confuse him, and—depending on how you ask it—he may end up striking you. But at least the answer will be true. And as an added bonus, you'll probably get invited to fewer parties.

Tuesday, February 12

American Gladiators

For those of you who missed it, the semi finals of American Gladiators was on last night. Nick and Adam came by and we made bets before the game began for our overall womens and mens winner. I was wrong both (boff) times. The woman who won completely dominated and had a 15 second lead and flew threw the course beating her time. The woman who lost turned out to be one of the most annoying contestants and although it meant that I would lose, I was still glad she didn't win.
The Preacher versus the Teacher show down ended in a suprise upset. The Preacher had a small lead but by the time he got to the hand bike, the lead was gone. They both had trouble getting up the treadmill thing at the end but Teacher hung in and won.

The final I believe is Sunday at 7. I am house sitting this weekend (my parents just got a 50 inch high def tv though) so I would be love to host a little viewing party out there. Since most of us have Monday off maybe the drive wouldnt be so bad and the tv will be an incentive. We could also play Wii and bbq out there as well. Or I could drive into town and I still wouldnt mind hosting something at my apartment if anyone is interested.

Oh and Adam got both the mens and womens winner right. Nick split. And again, I lost boff times.

Monday, February 11

Starbucks and I are Heading for a Break Up

I subscribe to a newsletter that I get through HungryGirl.Com which is a website devoted to nutritional information, recipes and keeping up to date with new products etc. Much to my shock and horror their most recent newsletter informed me that Starbucks was going to phase out their breakfast sandwhiches.

This is not acceptable. I am absoultely in love with their reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwhich. That and a coffee is the perfect quick breakfast. I do not like to eat sweet things in the morning and if they get rid of their egg sandwhiches all that leaves is the sugary items.

The good news is that I will spend less money by not going there as frequently. The bad news is there is really nothing thats quick to pick up to eat in the morning on my way to work that is healthy and good and doesnt have icing.

Damn you Starbucks, you are going to be losing one less of your 3 billion customers, so suck it.

Pedigree Commercial

I saw this commercial the other day at the gym and teared up (I played it off as sweat). It kills me. As soon as I can afford a house, my first order of business will be to adopt a dog.

Sunday, February 10

Nice Weather Makes Everything Better

It was so nice to be able to open all of the windows and air the winter out of my apartment this weekend. The first nice weekend of the year and soaking up that vitamin D was fantastic. Looking ahead it is going to be like this all week too, hopefully we dont take any steps back to the low 50s until next fall.

I really had nothing else to post except my change in mood thanks to the weather and now that that is done I bid you adieu while I go watch Americas Funniest Home Videos.

Friday, February 8

Ok, Not So Stressed Out Now....

Phew, ok the feeling of sufocation has somewhat subsided. I seriously felt like I was having a bit of a panic attack there. Ok so I am being more reasonable now and although this is still a problem, it isnt insurmountale. I can't worry about making the "right" decison so much because I have many wrong decisions yet to make in my life and thats ok. I need to explore the options I may have and keep an open mind about things. I also need to get a long, sweat inducing workout in which always makes me feel better. And then have a stiff drink. And then sleep for 12 hours so I can put off thinking about it;)

Do I Stay or Do I Go Now

I woke up this morning in a good mood. I went to bed at an early time and got a really good nights sleep so I felt refreshed and awake. I get to work and I have problem after problem with my computer but I was still in a good mood and wasn't letting it bother me.

Then my mom came in to talk to me privately and basically let me know that my dad was talking to a lawyer about a 10 year plan that would sell the business two of our superintendents and myself. There has never been a serious duscussion about me taking over the business alone or with partners which I have been happy about because I am not ready to make that type of decision. Although things have gotten better at work, I know construction isnt my passion. Unfortunately I have no idea what my passion is, just what it isnt.

I like that this job is flexible and I work standard hours which allows me to have time to run and train and go to the gym which is extremely important to me. It also is chellenging at times without being a huge stress. The thought of having a job where I can't incorporate that because I work 12 hours a day sounds absolutely miserable to me and I couldnt do it. I have been strugling to find my passion in life since I seriously started thinking about it when I was 21. I have gotten no closer and I am increasingly frustrated by it so lately I have just pushing that aside and trying to ignore it.

My mom also said that the way this 10 year plan would work is we would invest for 10 years into it and if we change our minds at the end of the 10 years, we dont get that money back. So if my dad today told me I had to decide this now my answer would be no, I still don't know if this is what I want to do. My mom doesnt think he will bring this up for awhile, but I am feling really sort of panicked by it. I have been able to push off a final decision if you will but it is closing in on me now and I am going to have to be forced to decide.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do and what I was passionate about, I would give anything to be one of those people who have always known what they wanted and have gone for it. I have the drive I just dont know where the hell I am going. I know that if he asks me about this soon I will have to say no that I am just not comfortable making this decision now that he will suggest that he will probably suggest I find something else to do then. And the feeling of being suffocated creeps in on me, thus ruining my day and the stupid computer keeps fucking up still, not making things any better.

Thursday, February 7

Women for Women International

If anyone is interested in getting involved in overseas aid specifically targeting women from war torn countries such as Rwanada, Afghanistan, Columbia etc. Women for Women International is a great organization to get involved with. Here is what they do:

Women for Women International mobilizes women to change their lives by bringing a holistic approach to addressing the unique needs of women in conflict and post-conflict environments.We begin by working with women who may have lost everything in conflict and often have nowhere else to turn. Participation in our one-year program launches women on a journey from victim to survivor to active citizen. We identify services to support graduates of the program as they continue to strive for greater social, economic and political participation in their communities.

Once the basic needs of these women are met they are trained in job skills and business development. Annually, Women for Women International has empowered over 30,000 women survivors of war to move toward economic self-sufficiency with their year-long program of direct aid, rights education, job skills training and small business development.

To help you can donate money, shop their bazaar which features items made by the women in these programs or sponsor a women for one year. I chose sponsorship and will be sending just 27 bucks a month to a women that they match me up with. They encourage you to write letters back and forth with the woman you sponsar so you can provide support and encouragement while they try to put their lives back together. I did some research to make sure this is a legite organization and all appears good.

I have been wanting to get involved in something charitable for quite some time but haven't found something I have really liked. I am excited to financially and emotionally help support a woman who has gone through hell in her life become self sufficent and hopefully I will be able to forge a relationship with her as well.

Tree Fresno's 11th Annual Run Through The Trees

Coming up on Sunday March 9th, I will be running in Tree Fresno's 12th annual Run Through The Trees in Tower. The 6.1 mile run starts at 8:00 AM and a 2 mile Run/Walk starts at 8:05. The race starts at the corner of Van Ness and Olive and ends at Wishon and Olive so if you don't want to run or walk it, you should come out and watch (Ed you could wave from your window). If you want to see the course and get more information go here.

The race fee is only 20 bucks and you get a free, and I am sure extremely cool t-shirt, porobably with trees on it. I believe this is also the same day as the 6th Annual Valley Classic Bike Race, so it will be an action packed day.

Surgeons or Musicians?

I was perusing the NPR website when I came across this article about an instrument called the bowed piano. The picture showed what looked like a bunch of hands disemboweling a piano so I was intrigued. Although the piano has obviously been around for quite sometime, this complex take on how to play the it produces a kinda cool unique sound. Here is a link to a video clip of the bowed piano ensemble if you are interested in hearing it.

Wednesday, February 6

For Smiles

Can I play too?

Things that I Love

I really love getting woken up at 2:15 in the morning by a woman screaming and crying on the street right outside of my apartment. For about 10 minutes she was yelling and begging and pleading with someone not to leave. I finally got up and looked outside to see what was going on and a woman in pajamas was screaming into the passenger side rolled up window of the truck while banging her fists on it while the truck continued to roll down the street. She then started begging him to tell her that he loved her and that she would leave and let him go if he just told her he loved her. This request continued for probably 2 minutes before I could hear the guy, windows still rolled up finally say "I love you" and drive off. She then walked away crying.

I thought it would be much louder being Fat Tuesday last night but it was either pretty quiet (except for the screaming crazy woman) or I was sleeping pretty hard because I didn't hear much. My apartment is great but I have overheard some bizzare things in the middle of the night.

Tuesday, February 5

Fashion Frustrations

I have problems with pants. Two problems to be exact. First, I hate how easily slacks wrinkle in the front at the pockets. I have a brand new pair of wide leg white/khaki pants on and when I stand up I have horizontal lines running across my thighs. It looks terrible and sloppy. I don't think it is a size issue because they fit perfectly at the hips, maybe a little loose but thats because I have to compensate for the booty, which isnt exactly proportional to the waist and hips. From the waist up I should be around 5'3, but from the waist down I should be 5'11. My best friend is 5"11 and we have the same leg length, and I am 5'6, sort of a freak that way I guess.

Anyway the wrinkles in the front, any suggestions?

Also my other problem is pant length. I am in between a normal and a long length in pants. I should get them hemmed to the right length but there also isn't just one right length of pants, it depends on what shoes you are wearing. The same pair of pants wont look good in both a heel and a flat shoe (unless there are some magical pants out there I haven't heard of). So I went on the hunt for products that might solve my problem. I came across two interestion products.

The first is called Zakkerz. The product description says the following:

zakkerz (n.) a temporary pant roll-up wrap used to hold pants that have been rolled up to a shorter length for flat shoes. If you have pants that have been hemmed for high heels but want to wear them with flat shoes or sneakers, then you need zakkerz.

Well that sounds like it is exactly what I am looking for, except it isnt exactly fashionable (see below)

If you were wearing black pants maybe, otherwise you are adding a black stripe which might look a little odd depending on the pant. They are flexible fabric strips that contain specially designed strong magnets. You roll the pant leg up to desired length, then wrap zakkerz around bottom of pant with one end inside pant leg and other end outside pant leg. The magnets bring the two ends of the zakkerz together – holding the roll-up in place. Iventive, yes. I would be willing to give these a shot and just might do so. A set of (4) is $24.00.

I did find another product however called Out Ease Struts. This addresses the problem of pants getting stuck in the back of your heels when you are wearing slingback shows or blackless shoes (ladies you know what I am talking about). Because of this very problem I stopped even trying to wear an open back shoe with pants and save those shoes for dresses and skirts. This however could have possibility. I am not exactly sure how it works but the website says this:
They are quickly and easily attached and you're ready to go! Simply remove the adhesive backing and place inside the back center of your pant hem. You can crease or curve it to form. When you are ready to launder your garment, peel off the strips and discard.

They don't have any pictures though so it is a little vague. For $12.05 you can get a set of 5 pairs, not bad if they work and with such a low price certainly worth checking out.

If there is anything else out there that would help solve the pant deliemma, do share, it's been driving me crazy for years.

Monday, February 4

Cooking, And A Lack of Joy For It

Cooking has become quite a challenge for me, I can't seem to get past the frustrations that it causes to put meals together on a regular basis. I don't like to eat out often because the nutritional value is lacking, it can be expensive, and it never really sounds good, give or take a few restaraunts that I frequent, but it is convenient.

Typically I will get done with the gym and be starving which means if I don't have something planned I want to get something that will be fast and I will be able to eat almost as soon as I get home. This definitely makes Chipotle sound like a good option except for the expense issue (8-10 bucks a meal) and although I like to believe it is healthier then say Taco Bell, it still probably packs a calorie punch that I am choosing to ignore.

My other option is to pick something up at the grocery store to make. I do this pretty frequently and usually make a meal around the already cooked chickens they sell hot. This isn't a bad option but I don't like having to stop a few times a week to pick up miscellaneous items and I am also faced with leftovers that I know won't get completely eaten. I throw away so much food I feel guilty about it.

I am not sure what the solution is to this problem. I have tried planning meals for the week and going grocery shipping at one time for everything on my list but that will always result in thrown away food because something will come up and I won't be home for dinner or I won't feel like what I was going to make. One thing I do really like is that they are starting to make more individual sized portions of things, vegies in particular. They have these great single serving frozen veggie packs you make in the microwave and they are just enough for one person, no waste! They taste pretty good too, they just need a larger variety. I also have Lean Cusince meals pretty regularly which I like because they are low in calories and also quick and easy and most of them taste pretty good but the portion size is not big enough for dinner for me so I save them for lunch.

Moving on with the cooking deliema, my other issue is I hate cleaning and washing dishes. Not having a dishwasher adds to this problem greatly. I will admit that there has been one or more times when I have chosen to throw a dish or two away instead of clean it. Irrational, perhaps. Lazy, definitely but the only time I do this is if the dish is old and mismatched or if it is tupperware, I will frequently throw out Tupperware because I had leftovers that I didnt eat that I forget about and I am too afraid to open them because of the inevitable horrific smell that will accost me.

I want to come home and relax and not have to work by making a meal and then work again by cleaning up after it. To me, the time isn't always worth it. I used to cook a lot more and I do enjoy preparing meals but only when I have the time and the energy, which hardly seems to happen anymore.

I Hate The Winter

I cannot even begin to describe how deep my loathing for cold weather goes. I feel uncomfortable everyday in the winter because of it. Not a day goes by that I dont shiver or feel miserable because I can't get warm or stay warm.

The very beginning of everyday starts with me waiting in the bathroom for the water to get hot while I stand there shivering. Then the next hoop to get through is to get out of the hot shower and into the cold bathroom which is always horrible. I just can't keep my apartment warm and last month I had nearly a $200 PG&E bill so I also can't just leave it cranking.

When I get home at night my apartment is freezing and it takes at least a few hours to feel "warm" in the living room so in the meantime I have sweat pants, several shirts, a sweatshirt, a hat and my fake ripp off Uggs on while wrapped in a blanket on the couch.

I know none of this is exclusive to me. Pretty much everyone wakes up in a cold apartment and has to deal with the cold same as I do, but for some reason it really effects me. It just makes me angry to not be able to feel relaxed and comfortable, especially in my own apartment. I feel like my body is always clenched and it's a lot easier to dress when the weather is warm. At least dress cute, layers are not a very flattering look. The only thing that cold weather has going for it is that it is easier to sleep at night then during the summer when its hot. Other then that it sucks.

On a brighter note however, I just looked at the 10 day forecast and they are showing a sunny 69 for Sunday. Please oh please make the cold weather stop and give us more days like that!

Friday, February 1

Untitled - My Story (sorry it's long)

mike started a story meme. he picked ten words, wrote a story using them, and tagged Ed who tagged me. so, here it is:

1. pot 2. pan 3. spoon 4. fork 5. knife 6. glass 7. fire 8. water 9. light 10. sink

The knife sliced easily through the red onion, the pungent juice spilling onto the worn cutting board. The woman cutting the onion was focused intently on her task. She chopped not with the accuracy and speed of an experienced cook, but was slow and methodical as if the task was new to her and she didn't want to make a mistake. The woman's dark hair was pulled loosely behind her head in a low pony tail, a small section fell into her face and osbcured her vision. She jutted her lower lip out and blew air out forcibly. Momentarily the section of hair flew up and away from her face but immediately fell back down tickling her nose. She shook her head vigorously from side to side trying to get the wayward hair to cooperate but her actions only shook more hair out of her pony tail and into her face. Realizing she was fighting a losing battle she raised her right arm still holding the knife to her face and pushed the hair aside with the back of her hand. As she lowered her arm back down an intense sting enveloped her eyes. She squeezed shut them immediately, scrunching her face and swearing under her breath, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!".

"Did you say something?" a male voice from the living room called out.

"Uh no, I just was looking for a ...fork. Fork! Fork! Fork!" she called back, tears streaming down her checks. She set the knife down and stepped away from the cutting board, squinting her eyes trying to find some relief. She had been planning this dinner for several days and was too stubborn to admit she was having any sort of problem. Her experience at cooking had so far been limited to microwaved rice, boxed pasta and chicken on her George Foreman grill but she didn't think a meal from scratch would be that difficult, afterall all she had to do was follow directions.

Her eyes squinting and tears continuing to stream down her face as she took a few steps to the direction of the sink. Through the pain she tried to open one eye but the tears blurred her vision. As she took another step forward her left hip slammed into an open drawer and it fell to the ground, the spoons clattering onto the tile floor. She groaned in pain, holding her hip and leaned into the sink, blindly searching for the faucet.

"Hey are you ok, what are you doing in there?" a voice called from the living room.

"Yeah I am fine, its nothing I just dropped some spoons. Everything is fine!" she replied through clenched teeht trying to sound as cheery as possible. She continued to fumble for the faucet, and turned the handle sending water rushing out into the sink. She cupped her hands underneath the running water and brought it up to her eyes, pouring the water into them to clear the sting of onion that had caused her temporary blindness. The water washed through her eyes and the sting began to subside. She reached for the dish towel on the counter and dried her face.

"That was smooth" the woman said softly to her herself, annoyed at her clumsiness. She reached down and picked up the fallen drawer and put it back in its place. As she was placing the spoons back into the drawer a noise caught her attention. She looked up and saw steam pouring out of the pot on the stove like Old Faithful. The pressure it had built up was causing the lid to jump and dance while a creamy fluid bubbled out and down the side of the pan.

"Shit!" she cried out as she rushed to the mess that was quickly forming on her stove. She instinctively stuck her hand out to remove the lid on the pot and turned the dial on the stove with her other hand. The steam enveloped her wrist as she grabbed the top of the lid, searing her exposed flesh. When she felt the pain tearing at her skin she dropped the lid, sending it clammoring onto the stove and grabbed her wrist.

"It's fine, I am fine! Just a little clumbsy tonight I guess!" she shouted, preempting the male voice from asking her about the commotion.

The sauce that has been boiling on the stove gushed over the side of the pan and spilled onto the burner andn snaked down the front of the stove and was beginning to pool on the floor. She grabbed the dish towel and removed the hot lid and place it in the sink. She then returned to the stove to remove the pot and again placed it into the sink. She tossed her dish towel onto the mess that the sauce had created, attempting to prevent it from falling off the stove.

She turned her attention to the sauce to assess whether or not any of it was salvagable but quickly realized it was a lost cause. Shifting her weight to one side, she tilted her head and sighed. She drummed her nails on the counter trying to figure out what she was going to do. She didn't want the man in the living room to know that she was ruining dinner having previously bragged that she was a good cook.

Suddenly the smell of smoke filled her nose. Wild eyed she turned to the stove and immediately saw the source of the smoke. The dish towel she had tosed on the stove had caught fire, apparently she hadn't turned the stove completely off. The flames completely enveloped the towel and she knew it was only a matter of time that the smoke alarm would go off, altering the man in the living room of the disaster she had created in the kitchen. A glass of water sat on the counter and she lunged for it, spilling the water over the side of the glass as she grasped it in her hand. She threw the water onto the fire and the flames extinguished with a loud hiss and puff of smoke. The smoke alarm had yet to go off but the room was filled with a smoky haze that was billowing up towards the ceiling, heading directly for the smoke alarm. She grabbed the pan that was in the sink and placed it on the smoking towel. It was too late though, the shrill alarm pierced her ears and she clasped her hands over them, her guttural scream overpowering even the alarm.


The soud of the man running to the kitchen was hardly audible over the scream and the alarm. He frantically entered the room and quickly scanned it. Through the haze he could see the woman was standing in the middle of the room, her hands still over her ears her blood shot eyes flashed with anger. The stove was covered in a smeared chunky red sauce, a charred, smoking towel peeking out from under a pan. Various pots and pans were strewn about the room and a half chopped onion rested on the cutting board.

"What the hell is going on?" the man said, stiffling a laugh.

The woman looked up at the man, her eyes slowing changing from a look of anger to one of mild amusement until she was finally laughing. The man joined in the laughter but still wore a look of bewilderment on his face.

"Seriously are you going to fill me in on what I missed?" the man asked.

The woman composed herself and shouted over the smoke alarm to relay the story.

"I was chopping onions with that knife and my eyes started stinging and when I went to the sink to wash them out I ran into the open drawer and spilled the spoons. I washed my eyes out and when I was picking up the spoons the pot on the stove started boiling over so I tried to take the lid off and burned my wrist from the steam, I dropped the lid and grabbed the towel to remove the pot and I guess I didnt turn the stove off because I threw my hand towel on the sauce and when I looked up it was on fire. I threw the glass of water on the fire and tried to prevent the smoke from spreading I put that pan on top of the towel. It didnt work obviously".

The man laughed at the incredulus events and said, "You are one terrible chef".

"I know" the women replied, "I really am! And I need a cigarette, got a light?"

I dont have a lot of blogger friends, but I don't think Heather and E have been tagged so you are it!

The Cummulative Effect

Some days small difficulties will arise and if they had happened in isolation of one another, they wouldn't be a big deal, but when they happen concurrently it can really mess up your day. Today is one such day. To start, I had problems with my email and I couldnt get a file to go through that was important to get out right away. I thought I would just fax it, but their fax was down. I had 4 additional correspondance to get out and I experienced a problem with every single one of them when usually there is no problems at all.

We had a bid yesterday for (2) Fresno Fire Stations (we were the low bidder so we were awarded the project which is great) so all of the companies that sent in a bid call us to see if we named them. I don't enjoy breaking bad news to people anyway, but today almost all of the subs who called in gave me attitude as well. My mom didn't come in today so I have to field all of the phone calls and explain to them that they didn't get it but I can't tell them how the placed because we don't let that information out, which they argue with me about. Two guys called in with very very thick accents so I had to ask them to repeat themselves which they didnt like.

One sub gave me attitude because he didn't return a call I made to him yesterday about his bid. Apparently I should have called him again. And then one of our subs wanted a set of plans and I told her they were at our office and to come pick them up but she wanted me to ship them to her. Their office is in downtown Fresno, 10 minutes away and it would cost at least 30 bucks to ship them. So I told her we wouldn't ship and she would have to come in. If we shipped plans to all of our subs, the cost would be almost 500 bucks a project. She made a big stink and I didn't waiver in my stance.

And so on and so forth. I have a headache. It is just one of those days where I think keeping a flask of whiskey at work would be a good idea.

In The Meantime

Don't have time to post anything right now, but at least this way you get to look at something else. Also a good description of my mood at the moment. Is that any better??