I say this in all seriousness, however I have a story to illustrate my pointthat you may find funny.
I often butt heads with my mom, mostly because we are so much alike. Unfortunately the characteristics that we share are the characteristics that I hate most in myself. When I see or hear her being negative or speaking with a particular nasty tone in her voice, I immediately cringe because it sounds so horrible and reminds me of myself. It is putting a mirror in front of my face and seeing that part of me that I try to ignore is there. The reality though is that I have these negative qualities to my personality and as much as I want to change them, they always seem to creep back in.
During my lunch hour my mom and I went to look at some new houses. I was dissapointed because the houses that I liked I could not comfortably afford mortage payments for along with property taxes, etc and the houses that I could afford were apartments pretending to be houses. My mood was negative yes, but I felt I was justified because buying a house is a really difficult and frustrating process and I was dissapointed and stressed.
Well my mom didn't really think so and she basically told me she hated to be around me when I am negative (or rather, she hates to be around me when I act like she does because it reminds her of how awful she is to be around when she is like that). I raised my voice and reiterated that I wish she would be more understanding of what I am going through. On a side note, my mom started dating my dad in Jr. High. They briefly broke up in college but once my dad graduated from college they were back together and they got married and had her first baby by the time she was my age. We have lived completely different lives and as much as I don't understand what it is like to be a stay at home mom and have a husband and children, I don't think she always realizes that life isn't so easy for a single woman in her late 20s either.
In any case she responded by telling me that even though I might be stressed I should basically suck it up and be more positive, which is sooooo incredibly ironic because she often acts the exact same way. If she is having a bad day at work (usually because something insigificant like the printer jamming)she will start saying "shut up" in a really nasty tone to the phone everytime it rings.
Anyway we continued bickering because we feed off of each other and by this time we had arrived to pick up some lunch at Quizno's. As we were walking from the parking lot she said something that really made me mad (I don't even remember what she said anymore) and I stopped, turned around and said "Forget it, I will just wait here" and headed back to the car. I know, so dramatic right? This is my signature move though, when someone really pisses me off I will want to leave the conversation as quickly as possible in order to cool down so I don't say something I will regret and also because I really don't want to be in the company of that person anymore.
My mom replies "oh come on you are beng ridiculous" to which I say "I am not hungry anymore". So my mom walks back to the car to leave and I tell her she should get her lunch and she says, "I will be fine, I don't need to eat" and I tell her that she is being just as ridiculous as me and then I turn to go back to Quiznos to get lunch (god this is painful to tell people, I am so stupid and dramatic sometimes). I wouldn't have been suprised if my mom drove off without me but she didn't and I ordered her lunch as well and when I got back into the car I said in a lighter tone of voice, "it is ridiculous that you get mad at me for acting the same exact way as you do and vice versa". We both started laughing and the disagreement was over.
We did continue to talk about how we hear that negativity in each other but can't seem to put a stop to it in ourselves. My mom is the same way as her mom was and my sister can be the same way as us as well. I don't know if this is genetic or learned but I find it odd that I can develop a characteristic in myself that I have such a contempt for in other people. But I suppoose that is how the cycle of abuse continues through generations and how people can inherit the tempers of their predeccessors.
Part of the problem is that even though I know that I can speak in a very negative manner and tone, I usually don't mean anything by it and it is suprising to me that people take it wrong. I also like to try to attribute that the other person being sensitive. I realize I will never be one of those people who is just as sweet as pie all the time, but I need to work on my tendancy to immediately react to things because that's when I get myself in trouble.
I would really like to be more like my dad when it comes to those things and for a long time growing up I was a lot like my dad. I am not sure what happened (hormones perhaps?) but he doesn't immediately react to things but stays quiet and thinks before he speaks. On many occassions I have witnessed someone who was incredibly angry yelling at my dad (this is usually work related) and he never reacts at all but lets them scream and hollar and all the while he remains calm, rational and level headed. 9 out of 10 times they cool down, realize they are acting ridiculous and the problem is resolved without it escalating. He does it to me all of the time and that is the quality that I admire most about him and that I most wish to emmlate. Unfortunately I feel like half the time I do the exact opposite thing.
I feel like I am at least aware of all of this but the hard part for me is to figure out how to change my behavior. I want to be a person that people find likeable and friendly and nice and I know that I generally am, but this damn other side of me likes to jump in the middle of things and before I know it, the bitch comes out. I am very lucky that I can talk to my mom about this honestly and we can laugh at how ridiculous we are and remind ourselves to work on it, but it is the main thing I want and need to change in myself.
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6 comments:
"Part of the problem is that even though I know that I can speak in a very negative manner and tone, I usually don't mean anything by it and it is suprising to me that people take it wrong. I also like to try to attribute that the other person being sensitive."
Having some of the same attributes as you and also being that person that takes your tone a certain way, I can tell you that a big help for me not going off on people has been the work I've done on empathizing and trying to understand how other people see or hear me.
Granted, it doesn't always work, and I'm pretty sure it will be a life long battle. But you're on the right track. Self-awareness is the key. And managing to be self-aware as often as possible should be a great help in not escalating interactions like this one.
That's just my two cents.
Thanks for the feedback Adam. I know that I definitely do that to you,and I apologize for that. Some people for whatever reason can just get me all riled up while others can really calm me down. You seem to do a good job of rilling:)
I agree that reminding yourself to be more empathetic and put yourself in the shoes of others can be helpful. Where I fail in that regard is that I will say it, then think damnit I shouldnt have said that, then I am mad at myself and my mood kind of spirals from there.
I also think a lot of it also comes because sometimes I have a hard time accepting people because of certain personality traits and characteristics they may have. I think if I take more time to look for the good in people and understand their behavior, I will be able to better empathize too. Afterall, that is what I hope people do in regard to me and my personality.
your blog has really taken on a very open and revealing tone lately. it's nice. keep it up.
and, so, umm...you're looking @ houses. that's news. any particular area?
I have mentioned it very quietly to a few people, but I wasn't sure if was going to be able to do it so I havent really been open about it. The pre approvement process went well though so it is something I am hoping to do in the next several months.
Unfortunately I probably won't be buying anything in the area I currently live in. The houses I can afford need way too much work or they are so old that the chance of somethng happening that I can't afford to fix would be relatively high. So I am looking for houses no more than 10 years old or so and in pretty much any area.
It breaks my heart a bit to leave Tower, but it is the best decision financially. It is just a starter home anyway so I am hoping to keep it for 5 years or so, sell it when the market gets better and hopefully be able to find something I can afford in the Tower area at that time.
So thats where things are!
have you looked @ the ones corin is buying? close to your work, close to city lights, close to the freeway (&thus tower), and it's a new development. it's roughly shields & armstrong. or maybe it's right @ shield & armstrong.
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