Do I Stay or Do I Go Now

I woke up this morning in a good mood. I went to bed at an early time and got a really good nights sleep so I felt refreshed and awake. I get to work and I have problem after problem with my computer but I was still in a good mood and wasn't letting it bother me.

Then my mom came in to talk to me privately and basically let me know that my dad was talking to a lawyer about a 10 year plan that would sell the business two of our superintendents and myself. There has never been a serious duscussion about me taking over the business alone or with partners which I have been happy about because I am not ready to make that type of decision. Although things have gotten better at work, I know construction isnt my passion. Unfortunately I have no idea what my passion is, just what it isnt.

I like that this job is flexible and I work standard hours which allows me to have time to run and train and go to the gym which is extremely important to me. It also is chellenging at times without being a huge stress. The thought of having a job where I can't incorporate that because I work 12 hours a day sounds absolutely miserable to me and I couldnt do it. I have been strugling to find my passion in life since I seriously started thinking about it when I was 21. I have gotten no closer and I am increasingly frustrated by it so lately I have just pushing that aside and trying to ignore it.

My mom also said that the way this 10 year plan would work is we would invest for 10 years into it and if we change our minds at the end of the 10 years, we dont get that money back. So if my dad today told me I had to decide this now my answer would be no, I still don't know if this is what I want to do. My mom doesnt think he will bring this up for awhile, but I am feling really sort of panicked by it. I have been able to push off a final decision if you will but it is closing in on me now and I am going to have to be forced to decide.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do and what I was passionate about, I would give anything to be one of those people who have always known what they wanted and have gone for it. I have the drive I just dont know where the hell I am going. I know that if he asks me about this soon I will have to say no that I am just not comfortable making this decision now that he will suggest that he will probably suggest I find something else to do then. And the feeling of being suffocated creeps in on me, thus ruining my day and the stupid computer keeps fucking up still, not making things any better.

Sometimes a New Perspective Can Be Benefical

Over Thanksgiving I was talking to a family friend Charley Ford, who also happens to be my old 6th grade teacher and volleyball coach. He was without a doubt my most influential teacher and I have always had a great deal of respect for him. When he was my teacher we had to read these books on values. Each of these books had a topic like "persistence", "integrity", "attitude", "responsibility" etc. There were probably about 15-20 of them and we had to write a report about how they apply to our lives after we were done with each book. This is something that has always stayed with me and we still have chats about these types of things even today.

Well over Thanksgiving he gave me a book to read, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Having read a great deal of self help books when I was in grad school that focused on organizational effectiveness I didn't really have any high ideals of how this may benefit me. I gave it a shot though and although there is no ground-breaking completely new information, it has been helping me to take a closer look at my own paradigms and how I approach the world.

Where I have seen the most relevance is in my job. I have a horrible attitude when it comes to work, blaming frequently and pawning my unhappiness off on other people. This may not be my dream job but it is the job that I have now so why be miserable when I can change my attitude instead of just reacting negatively. It may not solve all of my problems but maybe it will prevent me from being so negative and at times feeling sorry for myself for no good reason. I have always thought of myself as a happy person but if I die tomorrow, I dont know if thats what people would say about me. That makes me sad, so I am going to work on it.

(And no this does not mean sarcastic, smart ass Kasey is going anywhere, she will definitely still be around-I just want to change the way I react when things don't go my way so I dont let it effect me as much as it does now)

Restless Life Syndrome

Every few months or so I notice that I start to get to feel restless. There is usually no major cause for feeling this way but it creeps up through me and seeps in to pester me for a few weeks. Usually what it centers around is work and career related issues. I never wanted to be the person that sort of accidently settles into something and ends up doing that for the rest of their lives without really enjoying it. I am sure everyone feels this way but it is depressing to think of spending so much of your life doing something you don't really like doing. The problem is, I can never seem to figure out what exactly it is I want to do. Everytime I hear someone say to follow your dreams and don't let anything stand in your way blah blah blah it annoys me because what is it you do when you don't know what your dreams are? Knowing my passion would make things a whole lot easier.

What I do know is that I am awful at paperwork. I seriously suck at it. My attention to detail waivers at best and I get bored and zone out quite frequently. Even though that is the main part of what I am doing now, I have to learn all of the steps and procedures from the bottom up in order to advance into a management position. I don't know if this is really what I want to do, but I won't know that until I start doing it. Sometimes I really just want things figured out but I know as soon as that happens, give me a few months and I won't be satisfied with that either. I don't like being stuck in an office all day and what I like best about my job is when I get to leave and have to run bids or get plans and whatnot. Perhaps a career at UPS is in my future.

Ok enough of my moaning and groaning. Thanks for stopping by. Cheers.

Life lately

So it seems that lately I have had a lot of friends and family members have been taking leaps into adulthood. My sister and one of my best friends will soon be getting married, another good friend recently got engaged, my friend Annie just today found out she is pregnant, Kendall is going to be buying a house and everyone is getting a puppy. To me purchasing real estate, getting married and espcially having children is what older people and real adults do and it is weird that everyone around me is starting to get to that point in their lives.

I on the otherhand feel like I am moving in the opposite direction. I have always been a bit of a late bloomer in certain aspects of my life. In high school I focused on sports so I didn't do much socially, never even kissed a guy until after high school. In college I had a couple of very close friends that I spent most of my time with but I was never went out much or did the whole college party scene thing. So I am not sure if I am making up for lost time now, but I know I have been having a lot of fun lately that perhaps most 26 year olds have already gotten out of their systems (at least among many of my friends). Sometimes I think maybe I should be more mature and not stay up all hours of the night drinking and playing asshole, but then I think there is plenty of time to be adult and right now I need to just relax about it and have a good time.

It still nags at me though when a lot of my friends are moving on to the more adult stage in their lives because even though I love them, we have less in common than we once did. I don't have that strong desire to be married and have children yet though, the thought of that still freaks me out. Maybe like a lot of things in my life, that will come to me later than most people and I am content to take the slower road in life.