Yesterday I had a conversation with a woman at the gym that bothered me. I have talked with this person before, she is older and in great shape and seems like a very nice person. She used to be a runner so we have mostly talked a lot about that, but yesterday she made a comment to me about another woman at the gym looking too masculine. The particular woman being talked about has big strong thighs and big strong shoulders and definitely has more muscle than most women and a lot of men. I have always admired her though because it takes hard work and dedication to get into the shape that she is in.
I replied to her criticism by stating she works hard and it shows, but before I even got that sentence all of the way out, she continued by asking Mike that as a man, does he find her too masculine. Well poor Mike is a perpetually nice guy and does not want to put anyone down, plus this is the second time that this woman has critisized another woman to me. I have told Mike about this and that it bothered me the first time, so he doesn't really know what to say. It doesn't matter anyway because he hardly has a chance to stammer out something before she is going on about how her husband doesn't think it is attractive.
Now this is one example of one person and perhaps this woman in particular is just an overly critical person, but I find it incredibly rude and sad to disparage someone behind their back, particularly about their bodies. If you think she is too masculine then that is fine, but you don't need to share your opinion with people you hardly know and try to get them to go along with you in your criticism.
I feel that women especially should not be engaging in this type of behavior. Some women are fat, some women are skinny, some are muscular, some are tall, some are short, some have large breasts, some small, some have big bellies, some have squishy thigs and some have broad shoulders etc. but WHO FUCKING CARES. Let's stop spending so much time body snarking. Instead of using that time to be critical of someone, find something positive to say about them.
Whenever I find myself silently judging someones appearance, which I totally admit happens, I always scold myself for being mean and critical and look for something nice to say (in my mind) about them. The person never knows this is happening but it makes me feel a little better for the initial negative thought and helps me to hopefully get to the point where I automatically see the good in everyone I meet.
C'mon gals, we have enough to worry about, we don't need to be body snarking each other too.
For me, it's worse when I hear men talking about other women's bodies. I don't understand how they can say the things they do to me or around me about other women and not think that it wouldn't make me implicitly understand that they are judging my body too. And in judging my body, it feels like the rest of me is devalued.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I agree with you about the way women treat and judge each other. I don't know why we spend so much time caring about what other people do and look like. Except for celebrities, they are totally fair game ;-)
not to be offensive but, um, was that offending lady the one with the fake rack? not that this would change the quality of the criticism, but i just wonder about people and what goes into their minds, how they decide what is good, what is bad, and so on.
ReplyDeleteI think for me the difference between men saying it and women saying it is that women understand how it feels as a woman to have their body scrutinized like that yet they still do it. They understand the pressure and the self esteem issues associated with it, yet they still contribute to that.
ReplyDeleteI have had a lot of conversations about body issues with men and I have found that a lot of men aren't nearly as critical as women are and they don't quite grasp how sensitive we can be to an even an innocent comment.
Girls become aware of their bodies and tie their self worth to their appearance at a younger age and a lot more tightly than boys do so when a comment is made, women may take it personally, even when it isn't intended in that way at all. It seems perfectly clear to us but men don't grow up thinking that way so I feel they don't always understand that. Women do however and therefore should know better.
I do think though that men judging bodies does feel more of a devauling than women doing it.
No Ed, she wasn't the one offending. That woman however was who this lady was talking to me about the first time she told me she thought a woman was too muscular. I see where you were going with with that though and I think that would have been an interesting point if it was the lady with the breast implants who said that.
ReplyDeleteAlso I can't even get behind the judging of celebrities (their bodies at least - unless of course they get a crap load of plastic surgery and then it seems like they are just asking for it) because of the reason you cited abouve. If you hear someone critcising a celebrities body, you have tendancy to take the criticisim yourself too. And an example I use for that (a lot actually, sorry) is Jessica Biel. I love her body, think it looks great and I have a similar muscular ass so when people snark on how she looks like a man and is too musucular, I take offense to it and take it a little personally. Not that I think I look as great as she does, but that is my ideal body.
Also when people talk about Jessica Simpson being fat (which she is not), girls who are that size or larger, might feel like they are fat too, when they are not.
Oh no, I didn't mean celebrities's bodies. I meant their actions and lifestyles and the bullshit they say and more importantly, their outfits.
ReplyDeleteNothing makes me cringe more than the tabloids pointing out stretch marks and cellulite, or commenting on so-and-so's weight. There only seems to be a slim margin of acceptable thinness in hollywood. One pound below and we're all shocked they might have an eating disorder! One pound above and we are all shocked they are fat fatties!
I see what you mean about women bringing other women down, and I agree with you. It's just that when a man does it, it feels like it becomes the only worthwhile discussion to have about a woman, like that's what we've been reduced to: the size of our ass.
Also, I've never heard anyone say anything bad about Ms. Biel's body - she is the one always getting praised for her perfectness.