Ramblings By Kasey

As I was having lunch with my friend this weekend, we started talking about getting older and all that comes with it. We werent talking about it in terms of wrinkles or things starting to sag or the physical aspects of aging though. Our conversation happily centered around how we feel more secure and confident with ourselves then we ever have before. It is the confidence that comes when you are aware of your own faults and willing to admit to them. It is the security that we may not be very cool or hip or enjoy cool and hip things but we also dont feel the need to try to be something that we are not. I am also considerably less concerned with what people think of me. It is an overall feeling of contentment that in my early 20s I didnt experience much.

It is also funny how we picture our lives will be when we are young. In high school my idea of my future was to have a high paying and exciting job, married to a successful man and we would be traveling the world right now until we started having children when I was 30. Well that didnt so much work out and but it is funny how life doesnt allow you to plan everything and thank goodness for that because life would be completely boring otherwise. I like not knowing what is next and not knowing what or who could walk around the corner at any moment and my life could take me in a different direction. When I am feeling down or lonely, which will happen from time to time, I no longer see it as some sort of punishment because there is something wrong with me. It is just life and everyone, even people in relationships, experience it and without it we wouldnt be able to appreciate the good things as much when they happen.

We also talked about the guys that we used to date or want to date. If I think about the kind of person I was interested in during my early 20s (think rocker bad boy) and what would have happened if I did marry someone like that, all signs would point to disaster. Not that I have ever really been close to being engaged or anything, but I have a much better idea now of what qualities and characteristics suit me and I have also evolved a lot as a person. I dont think I could have sustained a long term relationship because I have changed too much in the past 10 years.

I used to think that when women in their 30s would say how much better their lives are than when they were in their 20s, I thought they were full of shit. But as I continue to live this little life of mine and make both good and bad decisions I have realized that despite the events that occur in your life as you get older, it is the way you feel about them that changes. I am not yet 30 and I wont have everything figured out by then either but I know I will be ok with that. When I decided not to go back to finish my doctorate I struggled immensely with feeling like a failure because I didnt follow through. That was a turning point for me. That is when I decided that even if people didnt think I was smart enough or good enough then that was fine because I knew it was the best decision for me.

I dont always say or do the right thing and thats ok with me. The myth of life is that once you reach a certain age you will have figured it out. Realizing that will probably never happen it makes me see life as not something to be conquered but something to experience so I relax and try to just be happy.