I woke up this morning in a good mood. I went to bed at an early time and got a really good nights sleep so I felt refreshed and awake. I get to work and I have problem after problem with my computer but I was still in a good mood and wasn't letting it bother me.
Then my mom came in to talk to me privately and basically let me know that my dad was talking to a lawyer about a 10 year plan that would sell the business two of our superintendents and myself. There has never been a serious duscussion about me taking over the business alone or with partners which I have been happy about because I am not ready to make that type of decision. Although things have gotten better at work, I know construction isnt my passion. Unfortunately I have no idea what my passion is, just what it isnt.
I like that this job is flexible and I work standard hours which allows me to have time to run and train and go to the gym which is extremely important to me. It also is chellenging at times without being a huge stress. The thought of having a job where I can't incorporate that because I work 12 hours a day sounds absolutely miserable to me and I couldnt do it. I have been strugling to find my passion in life since I seriously started thinking about it when I was 21. I have gotten no closer and I am increasingly frustrated by it so lately I have just pushing that aside and trying to ignore it.
My mom also said that the way this 10 year plan would work is we would invest for 10 years into it and if we change our minds at the end of the 10 years, we dont get that money back. So if my dad today told me I had to decide this now my answer would be no, I still don't know if this is what I want to do. My mom doesnt think he will bring this up for awhile, but I am feling really sort of panicked by it. I have been able to push off a final decision if you will but it is closing in on me now and I am going to have to be forced to decide.
I wish I knew what I wanted to do and what I was passionate about, I would give anything to be one of those people who have always known what they wanted and have gone for it. I have the drive I just dont know where the hell I am going. I know that if he asks me about this soon I will have to say no that I am just not comfortable making this decision now that he will suggest that he will probably suggest I find something else to do then. And the feeling of being suffocated creeps in on me, thus ruining my day and the stupid computer keeps fucking up still, not making things any better.
well, i think you need a drink.
ReplyDeleteI know, I was thinking about that. I need a flask for work!
ReplyDeleteI think you're putting too much pressure on what you want your passion to be. I can't think of anyone I know that's always known what they wanted to do. Fuck, I didn't know I wanted to do what I'm doing until about two years ago. I don't think Nick always wanted to make wine.
ReplyDeleteIt'll come to you. As the line from Top Gun goes, "I'm holding on too tight."
You have a real passion for volunteering and a very specific kind of volunteering. I suggest looking there for a route to your happiness.
My sister said something very similar Adam about putting too much pressure on myself to find my "passion". I guess I am just afraid I will have a job I hate for the rest of my life and I will spend the rest of my life bitching in blogs about how much I hate it:)
ReplyDeleteSeriously though I know I can't put a time limit on it and I will find it whenver I find it, if ever, and really I just need to find things that make me happy like you said and just see where it goes.
Thanks for that perspective, I may need a reminder of it sometime in the future.
I think maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves for our jobs to be our passions.
ReplyDeleteYou clearly have things that you are passionate about. Your friends and family, running marathons, volunteering, etc.
If you (and here I'm using the general "you") can live with your job and still have enough time to do the things you really love then then I think that's a success.
Of course, as I'm typing this I'm thinking "physician heal thyself" because a lot of the time I act as if my career is the most important thing in my life. And I'm lucky in that I love what I do and I want to keep doing and I wouldn't mind putting in 12 hour days (sometimes) doing it.
But at the same time, when I think about coming to the end of my life, if my awesome career is the only thing I have to show for my time I would be really disappointed.
Also, don't listen to Adam's Top Gun quoting. He says that to everyone, including America's Next Top Model contestants.
ReplyDeleteHey, it's like the only worthwhile thing to come out of that movie.
ReplyDeleteThat and Kelly McGillis, Tom Cruise, Meg Ryan, and Dr. Green from ER singing Great Balls of Fire together at a piano bar.
Oh and topless volleyball with tight jeans in the sand.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean E, I have a friend who works ridiculously long hours and doesnt have the time in her personal life to do much. I couldnt do that and be even remotely happy. I am jealous of those people who get up in the morning and are happy about going to work though. Lets be honest though, thats probably a pretty small number of people.
ReplyDeleteIts funny how you picture your life and how it actually turns out. I am not dissapointed in how my life is going but I am curious to see where it goes.
And E you are doing some phenomenal work and you should be very proud of what you are doing over there.